The day I became a widow

From Salon:
http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/06/29/becoming_a_widow/index.html

The day I became a widow

After my husband died, I couldn't shake my guilt -- or a feeling that I'd lost a crucial part of myself
BY LILLIAN RUBIN



The author and her late husband.

Yesterday I was a wife; today I'm a widow. A 4 a.m. phone call, a voice penetrating the fog of sleep, and just like that, I'm a widow.

I sit on the edge of the bed, shivering; the window is open and the night chill has invaded the bedroom. I pull the comforter around me as I try to make sense of what I just heard. "Are you there, ma'am?" the voice asks. "Yes," I reply. But I am, and I'm not. Instead, I retreat to another place, a familiar one -- my therapist mode where I've spent decades as the one who listens, interprets, analyzes, comforts, cajoles -- and I ask myself: Is it really so cold in this room, or is this what shock feels like? I've read about it, heard patients and friends describe it, offered words I thought were wise, comforting, helpful. But until the moment I sat in that dark room, teeth chattering uncontrollably, unable to bring mind and tongue together to speak coherently, I had no idea what shock really feels like...